Kicking the Tweets

Edge of Darkness, 2010

The Detarded

I approached the “edge of darkness” several times during Mel Gibson’s new movie, which is to say I had a hard time staying awake. Never have I seen such an interesting cast in such a well-shot picture slog through such a boring 108 minutes.

Edge of Darkness stars Gibson as Boston (sorry, “Baaah-stin”) detective Tommy Craven, whose activist daughter, Emma (Bojana Novakovic) is gunned down on his front porch by a masked assailant. It turns out Emma worked for a private defense company whose CEO is in league with the government to produce allegedly foreign-made weapons on U.S. soil (a sort of back-pocket pre-emptive strike option, I guess). Emma and three environmental activists tried to get evidence of the crime and were subsequently killed. Of course, we don’t learn any of this until about an hour into the movie, as we’re introduced to myriad superfluous characters and red-herring sub-plots that involve Tommy leaving behind police protocol and busting heads.

If this sounds like a throwback to the good old days of Lethal Weapon, it’s not. Lethal Weapon was a mystery that had the good sense to stay on course and provide lots of crazy action and violence, letting the audience believe that they were experiencing thinking-man’s ‘splosions. Edge of Darkness gets bogged down in shabby knife fights and face punches in the service of about five thousand pointless conversations between actors who are either undeserving of sharing the screen with their co-stars, or are too good and too embarrassed to deliver their clunky lines. About an hour’s worth of scenes could be trimmed from this movie and the central story and decent surprises would still be just as effective. Edge of Darkness is too dumb to be a good political thriller and not exciting enough to be an action movie.

And that’s a real shame, considering director Martin Campbell gave us the superb Casino Royale, a movie that, while over-long, managed to excite the mind and the pulse. Here, the material he’s trying to bring to life is a convoluted mash-up of the man-on-a-mission revenge fantasy. Tommy’s frequent visions of his daughter as a young girl and the intermittent presence of a shadowy enforcer named Jedburgh (Ray Winstone) are meant to add weight to the picture, but they pop up too often and add absolutely zero forward momentum to the story. So instead of being moved or intrigued, we’re left to marvel at Winstone’s pronunciation of the word “daughter”, which comes out, “doe-uh”. I mean, I know he’s a great English actor, but here he comes off as an Eastern Kentuckian doing Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins.

Speaking of distractions, whose genius idea was it to put Mel Gibson into so many scenes with actors who are waaaay taller than he is? And is everyone in Boston obsessed with Ginger Ale? Is that a local thing I’m not hip to? Why did Martin Campbell waste so much time and money on the scene where Tommy gets knocked out in his kitchen, kidnapped and taken to a nuclear facility only to awaken, knock out the guards and return to his kitchen (in the span of three minutes’ screen time)? Sorry, all of this went through my head while I was busy not being stimulated by the events on the screen.

It’s hard to believe that Edge of Darkness is based on a mini-series; in my opinion, there’s just enough plot to flesh out a decent episode of 24. I left the theatre angry, tired and confused. Some have hailed this movie as Mel Gibson’s triumphant return to acting. If that’s the case, I hope he remembers that some of his greatest roles were buoyed not by macho bluster and handguns but by screenplays that knew the difference between a well-scripted cover-up and gratuitous diversions meant to cover up weak writing.


Moon (2009)

Lunar Eclipse of the Heart

This will be my shortest review to date. Not that there isn’t a whole lot to talk about regarding Duncan Jones’s marvelous indie sci-fi picture, Moon; I just don’t want to over-sell it or over-discuss it before every last one of you has had the chance to see it for yourselves. It’s not a perfect movie, but I’m giving it my highest “Go See This Now” recommendation.

I’ve never seen a film like Moon before. The best way I can describe it is as a sort of alternate-universe prequel to Alien, by way of 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Sam Rockwell stars as Sam Bell, a technician for Lunar Industries whose job it is to oversee a rock mining plant on the moon. In the future, you see, scientists have discovered a way to harvest solar energy via moon rock and solve many of the world’s problems; trouble is, that someone has to mind the store—alone, for three years at a time.

Sam spends his off-hours exercising, carving wood models of his old neighborhood and talking to Gerty, the plant’s robot manager (voiced by Kevin Spacey, and lent personality via a series of revolving smiley-face cartoons on a computer screen; he’s the Human Resources version of HAL). Two weeks before his contract expires, Sam is involved in a terrible accident when his lunar truck rams into one of the remote drills. He awakens back inside the plant’s infirmary with only vague memories of the crash. Lying in bed, listening to Gerty’s reassurances, he notices someone else in the room; in fact, it’s a younger, healthier version of himself.

When I first heard about Moon, I thought that Sam’s having a clone was a major spoiler. But it turns out to be the plot’s catalyst, which leads to several other surprises. The film deals with issues of identity, memory, corporate ethics, and, above all, loneliness in utterly gratifying ways. Sam Rockwell does wonders with this role, playing all aspects of a human personality without ever hamming it up. The highest credit goes to Duncan Jones, though, who uses his effects team and body double to make us believe that two Sams can not only share a scene but also brawl when tempers flair.

If you’re a fan of Alien and 2001, you’ll understand my earlier comment about the converging storylines, after you watch Moon; I’m not just referring to the set design, which looks like the prototype for the Nostromo’s interiors, but also to the ideas and their logical progression, if one thinks of these films as occupying the same fictional universe. Hell, even if you don’t buy that theory at all, if you’re a lover of smart, well-acted movies that keep surprising and rewarding you, check out Moon.

Note: It’s fitting that Trudie Styler (Sting’s wife, and the star of Fair Game) should be one of the producers on this movie. Not only does she have experience playing a person trapped in a confined space who gradually goes insane, she also comes off as genuinely bat-shit crazy—which is the only way to explain Moon’s final couple of minutes, which, incidentally, I didn’t care for at all.


The Book of Eli (2010)

The Blessed and the Furious

After having waded through two previous apocalypse movies, The Road and Legion, I went into The Book of Eli with a heavy heart. How many more washed-out, burned-out landscapes, cannibalistic biker cannibals and messages about keeping the fire burning could I stand? It turns out the answer is, “a lot”. This is a really good movie, and I’m glad I caught it in the theatre.

Denzel Washington plays Eli, a wanderer in an America ravaged by a thirty-year-old nuclear holocaust. He’s been charged with delivering the last known copy of the King James Bible to an unspecified destination “out West”, and his journey is fraught with starvation and blood-thirsty marauders; the latter is not that big a deal, since Eli is quite handy with all manner of firearms and his trusty sword, which he uses to hack to pieces anyone who dares not leave him alone. He’s a post-Matrix-era warrior monk, who can quote scripture and lop off hands with equal ease.

The last leg of his quest brings him through a town run by a man called Carnegie (Gary Oldman). Carnegie, as luck would have it, is on a mission to find the Bible so that he can revitalize religion in America—that is to say, using the words to manipulate hope-starved suckers (his words, not mine); once he discovers that Eli has the book, he sets all of his goons after it, and the rest of the movie plays out as a series of chases and showdowns between Carnegie and Eli—and Eli’s step-daughter, Solara (Mila Kunis), who wants to believe in the words Eli has read to her. The Book of Eli takes plenty of cues from the classic Western and infuses the genre with modern warfare and sticky philosophical quandaries.

Is Eli crazy? Or has he really felt the touch of God? The movie gives clues but, in the end, remains fairly agnostic on the issue (that is to say, if you’re pro-religion, you can definitely read into some of the things that happen; if you’re not, some of the explanations—though far-fetched—kind of hold up to scrutiny). The screenplay breaks from the ultra-cool, violent fight scenes to deliver ruminations on faith and human nature from many of the main characters; but this isn’t a platform picture: I never got the feeling that I was being preached to. Some may disagree, but those are likely the same people who bristle at the mention of the word “God” in any context. The ultimate fate of Eli’s book, specifically, the actual place it ends up, is both a chilling and a hopeful image, bringing to mind man’s noble intentions and his ability to royally fuck things up.

The story would probably only be so-so were it not for the wonderful cast. Washington and Oldman are great actors and it’s nice to see them not phone in their performances on what could have been a dusty, talky action picture. Washington in particular really sells Eli’s fatigue and reluctance; he’s a murdering Christ figure, and we get to see the turmoil of that paradox every second he’s on screen. Mila Kunis is serviceable as Solara; I always felt like she was acting—which, to be fair, is inevitable when sharing the screen with seasoned pros. And I’ve got to mention Jennifer Beals as Solara’s mother and Carnegie’s long-suffering blind wife; her performance is remarkable, the stand-out of the film because it was so unexpectedly affecting.

The Book of Eli has received a lot of criticism for the ludicrousness of its premise, its heavy-handed religiosity, and the hypocrisy of its central character. I call foul on all points (my only gripe is that the whole film looks like it was dipped in bleach). This is a thoughtful and exciting film that reminded me a great deal of my go-to apocalypse drama, Children of Men. While there’s a considerable difference in gravitas between the two, they share a refusal to hand the audience all the answers and demand patience and consciousness. In return, both films provide entertainment that one can take home and reflect on, in the presence of or in the absence of faith.


Never Cry Werewolf (2008)

Some People Weren't Lycan It!

Now, this is how it’s done! If you’re a filmmaker looking to shamelessly steal from classic movies (I’m wagging an authoritative finger at you, James Cameron and Scott Stewart), the key is to make the movie wholly ridiculous and un-self-aware. Director Brenton Spencer and writer John Sheppard have done just that with their trash-terpiece, Never Cry Werewolf. This movie is, literally, Fright Night with werewolves.

I should preface this by saying that I saw the movie under unusual conditions. Typically, I like to be alone on first viewings, or at least in the company of people who will allow me to focus on the movie so as to be fair in my judgments. In the case of Never Cry Werewolf, I saw it fresh during a recent movie night at my friend Chad’s house (for the record, a double bill of NCW and Tod Browning’s Freaks is booze-and-pizza-party heaven). The laughter of the crowd and constant shouting of puns and mockery—coupled with the fact that one of the partygoers resembled an actor in the film—only enhanced the experience

The film is about a mysterious man named Jared Martin (Peter Stebbings) who moves in next door to a too-curious-for-their-own-good teen siblings Loren and Kyle (Nina Dobrev and Spencer Van Wyck). Jared takes an unhealthy interest in Loren, and she’s kind of hot for his chiseled features and oh-so-hot motorcycle; things start to go south, however, when hookers begin disappearing into Jared’s house. It turns out he’s a werewolf, and the only person who can help Loren defeat his plot to munch on the entire town is a washed-up television personality named Redd Tucker (Kevin Sorbo, continuing his legendary journeys in cheesy acting). Reluctantly, the two team up and head to Jared’s house, where he’s taken young Kyle hostage; thus begins an epic showdown where the fate of the world hangs in the balance.

If reading that gave you flashbacks to Tom Holland’s 1985 vampire classic Fright Night, congratulations on having seen a far superior film. There is so much wrong with Never Cry Werewolf that I could talk for at least an hour about its problems. But for everyone’s sake, I’ll just say that Kevin Sorbo is no Roddy McDowell and Peter Stebbings is no Chris Sarandon. The only one of the cast who remotely outshines their template actor is Nina Dobrev; I’m probably biased because I watch her new show, The Vampire Diaries, in which she acts a hundred times better than she did in this two-year-old movie. Seriously, it’s a wonder she got an acting job after NCW, let alone one as a series headliner.

Allow me to digress and talk about the perfect storm of shitty acting and writing that is Sean O’Neill as Steven. He’s Loren’s alleged love interest, and this movie’s version of Fright Night’s Evil Ed character. As written, he’s the shy punk kid who wants to get with the hot nice girl. As performed, it’s obvious that Steven would be more interested in bedding hunky werewolf Jared. It’s impossible to ignore the gay-best-friend vibe that O’Neill exudes; I’m not implying anything about the actor’s lifestyle, but if he wasn’t going for at least bi-curious, he needs to seriously re-think his professional calling. Of course, by the time Steven mutates into a werewolf/club-kid hybrid, I stopped considering his sexual preference and focused only on the laugh-out-loud glue-and-Play-Doh makeup he was buried under.

This movie also features the best worst CG effects I’ve seen in years, and that includes Sci-Fi (sorry, “Syfy”) original programming. The scene in the sporting goods store where a skinless dog attacks the customers is pure genius, simply because the beast looks like a glistening plastic toy. The practical effects fare even worse, as much of the wolf-head and wolf-hand puppets look like, well, puppets. Dobrev’s expression when confronted up-close by the werewolf is a testament to her ability to sell fear in the face of the absurd.

Never Cry Werewolf is cheap, derivative, and unapologetically Canadian. The filmmakers learned the first lesson in ripping off great art: get in, have fun, and get out in under ninety minutes. Had the movie dropped any of its key components—shitty dialogue, confused camerawork, creepy, amateur acting, or Kevin Sorbo—it would not have been nearly as thrilling. You can tell everyone tried really hard to make a kick-ass, original horror movie, but it just wasn’t in the cards for any of them. That’s bad news for fans of the werewolf sub-genre, but great news for lovers of hilarious, unwatchable garbage. You must see this movie!

Note: The movie contains an unforgettable line of dialogue that I am hoping to insert into the vernacular. If you could please help me spread the word and begin incorporating the expression, “Get on the planet!” into everyday conversation, you will be helping Kicking the Seat make the world a better place.


Legion, 2010

Good Lord

It seems that not even God has escaped the recession: in Scott Stewart’s new movie, Legion, the Almighty performs the ultimate act of insourcing by sending armored, weapons-wielding angels to wipe out humanity. I know the Bible says that He would never end the world (again) with another Great Flood, but this movie proves that cutting corners only leads to shabby results. Indeed, by the time Legion was over, I felt like I’d drowned in clichés and spent an eternity repenting my decision to buy a matinee ticket.

If you’ve seen the trailer for this picture, then you’ve literally seen everything in the movie, save for the long stretches of only occasionally decent dialogue. A group of strangers converge in a diner called Paradise Falls (GET IT?), where they must confront the horrors of Armageddon together. They are aided by an angel named Michael (Paul Bettany), who didn’t so much fall as quit after finding out that God had finally had enough of his ungrateful experiments (us), and ordered him to head the extermination. His new mission is to prevent the army of angels from killing a pregnant waitress (Adrianne Palicki) whose unborn son is mankind’s only hope in defeating...God.

I’d meant to work up a whole synopsis, but I’m going to pull over now and talk about how relentlessly stupid this movie is. Don’t let the all-star cast or renowned effects-artist-turned-director fool you: Legion is not a smart or entertaining film, though it does its best to fool the audience with lots of CG violence and spent shells tinkling in Surround Sound. The movie has two major problems:

1. The structure of the screenplay is a blatant rip-off of The Terminator. From Michael’s sudden appearance in an urban alley—where he scrounges for clothes and weapons—to the idea of the pregnant waitress/reluctant heroine whose child will lead humanity against a seemingly unstoppable, inhuman threat, to the climax where the big, bad villain (here, the archangel Gabriel, played by Kevin Durand) kills the holy mother’s protector with, ahem, machine-like precision, Legion is one long spot-the-reference drinking game. I thought Avatar was derivative, but this movie is shameless; Stewart and his co-screenwriter Peter Schink are damned lucky that the continents of cash from James Cameron’s latest film are keeping him distracted enough to not sue them for every nickel their great-grandkids will ever make.

2. The reason The Terminator worked so well was that the antagonist—as invincible as it may have seemed—could still be blown up or unplugged. My limited understanding of God is that He is all-knowing and all-powerful, meaning that He a) could have simply made the Michael, the diner, and the mother and baby disappear (or, understanding that this is a popcorn flick, disintegrated it with lots of lightning and explosions), and b) should not be afraid of a baby in the first place. It is never made clear what the child is supposed to be. He’s not the Anti-Christ—in fact, there is no sign of the devil or any demons in Legion, only angels who have possessed people in order to kill other people. The point is, the movie makes the mistake of creating a foe who is omnipotent until he isn’t, and never bothers to explain whatever rules govern this significant shift.

Had the writers worked out these major story kinks, Legion may have carried on the fine tradition of Night of the Living Dead and The Mist. Those were character-driven action films (of varying degree) set at the end of the world, and they placed an emphasis on character and dialogue rather than gross spectacle. The first half-hour of Legion is promising, mostly because of the actors (though Dennis Quaid has spent the last year slumming it in projects like this and G.I. Joe, he’s always a welcome, interesting presence) and also because of the promise of answers that the story never delivers (i.e. the ultimate role of the baby). As the film progresses, the faults become more noticeable (for every Charles S. Dutton, there’s a Lucas Black—the Paul Walker stand-in from The Fast & The Furious: Tokyo Drift), and the soundtrack keeps rising, ostensibly to keep audience members’ thinking to a minimum.

In the end, Legion is just another “bad-ass” movie; the kind of film teenagers will talk about for maybe a week—and only in terms of the special effects and fight scenes (“His angel wings, like, deflected bullets, yo!”). Adults looking for genuine end-of-the-world thrills might be better off renting The Rapture, or even The Terminator; these are cheaper options, both financially and psychically.