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Entries in Hall Pass [2011] (1)

Sunday
Feb272011

Hall Pass (2011)

Men are Fucking Assholes, Women are from Venus

This showed up in my Inbox last night.  I’ve chosen to run it uncensored and uncorrected (save for my usual italics and bolding).  That’s all I can say, really, besides, “Wow.”

Yo.  Heard about yr site on one of my mssge boards and thought I’d write in.  Alot of yr reviews are kinda gay, hate to tell ya, cause yr always trynta put deeper meaning to movies that are really their just movies.  Come on, I’m thinking most of the time, lighten up.  SO if your not to chicken shit to run someone else’s thoughts on a movie you probly hate, than I dare you to run my review of Hall Pass, motherfucker.

About me first: I’m Jerry Phelan and I run the Parma Township, NJ chapter of Guys!, a society dedicated to preserving proud American male traditions in American society.  We’re eleven hundered chapters strong, with a membership of over twelve hundered members in the continuous United States.  Our mission is to preserve Proud american male traditions in our American society by standing up against pussy shit like The King’s Speech and menstral commercials.  Which is why we’re all real excited for Hall Pass it’s the best Farrelly Brothers movie since Stuck on You and a celebration of being a guy in today’s American Society.

The premises is about two regular guys in the suburbs; There’s Rick Owen Wilson and his best friend Fred (Jason Sudeikis) and their married to Jenna Fischer from the Office and the girl who used to be hot on Married with Children as Fred’s wife Grace.  The girls are tired of not being appreciated or whatever and decided to give their husbands’ the week off from being married so they can sow they’re wild oats while they go off with they’re families with the kids.  The trouble is the guys aren’t the studs they think they are and they spend most of the week in a hotel not getting girls but just eating take out and Applebees and Applebees takeout and wishing they could score some hot pussy but not actually doing it.  The girls are meanwhile hitting on a college softball team and the girl from Married with Children sleeps with one of them cuz I guess once a hoe always a hoe.  Meanwhile they guys get second thoughts and Fred fake goes down on a girl and feels bad about it while Rick almost fucks this hot Aussie bitch (Nicky Whelan) from a coffee shop but after she shows her titties he chickens out cause he loves his wife (but I think his probelem is more like that he’s gay cuz there’s no way a real man would kick hot snatch like that to the curb, right guys?).

Everyone’s happy at the end even though at least one of the marriages should’ve ended; but what I like about this movie is that the Farleys take a topic that could’ve either been a real serious movie like Indecent Proposal or a seriouser comedy about relationships or whatever and they make the audience laugh alot instead of making them think.  And the jokes are off the fucking hook, broham! 

Like the one where Fred picks up this drunk Jersey broad (represent!) from a club and has her back in the hotel and she’s real drunk and wants to throw up but she doesn’t trhow up because she never throws up.  And he goes to get her a garbage can and she sneezes and blows diorreaha all over the bathroom.  Me and three of the other five people in the theater laughed are asses off.  The other two mustve been faggots.

Speaking of which, I also like how the Fralleys made sure to not be all PC like everyone else in Hollyweird.  There’s this gay couple in the beginning who’re like getting married (eeeew!) but their part of a joke, and there’s another scene in a gym where Rick passes out in a hot tub and these two guys help him and the one’s a big black dude with a huge cock that’s like right next to Rick’s face for like three minutes.  I mean, these guys are geniuses; they know they don’t even have to bother writing to make a scene funny they know just putting a black guy with a big dick in a part will make people laugh—it helps that the other guys’ Irish and they show his wiener and you can barely see it its’ so small.

Oh, and Fred always talks about the race of the girls he tries picking up.  Fucking hillarious.

In other Freley brothers movies the main guys have always been really weird to begin with and then their freakishniss is always blown up by the strange people they run in to. Like in Kingpin you have Woody Harlesson as a conman and Randy Quayd as a Amish and they run in to Bill murray and drink cow come.  And in Stuck on You they’re Siamees Twins (even though they were clearly white) so its doubly funny (no pun intended).  Here Fred and Rick are supposed to be regular guys and they run into weird stuff.  I like that we can instantly relate to them cause they hate that theyre married and they don’t really seem to appreciate their kids and they have poker and cigar night with the guys and talk about how much they’d pay to fuck foreign women—the way every guy does (and if they don’t once again—faggots).  It’s like they took the best sitcoms, the ones that tell it like it really is, like Two and a Half Men, and put it in a movie.

If yr a movie snob, like I’m pretty sure you are, you’ll probly be like oh, their not funny at all they’re just creepy assholes and the movie turns it around so the women are the villains so the guys can be heroes.  And other whiny bullshit.  But I think it’s about time guys were fairly represented in American society.  I’m tired of us not having our way all the time cause we’re expected to not sleep around and be happy with the people we’re “committed” to (that’s why they call marriage a commitment, my Uncle Lou says, it’s cause you’d have to be crazy to do it!!).

Theres maybe ten or fifteen minutes where there’s real acting going on that made me real bored.  When the characters are crying and acting more like what people who hate Two and a Half Men consider “real people” I checked my Facebook and pre-ordered Gears of War 3 off Amazon.  These scenes almost ruined the movie, IMHO.  I mean think of all the random tit shots they cou’dve put in if they didn’t waste so much time on Jenna Fischer whining?

And the one guy Coakley (Richard Jenkins) is Fred’s and Rick’s friend who’s an old playboy who gets mad women; he took me out of the movie cause he’s really interesting and I guess what you’d call “complex” and he doesn’t belong in this movie (he belongs in a film).

So if you want to watch the ultimate Guy Movie (until Transformers 3 comes out), than you should check out Hall Pass.  I know you won’t cause you don’t like stuff regular people like and you cant just turn off your brain and laugh at stuff that’s wildly inconsitent from one scene to the next.  Jesus, what fucking good is a movie critic anyway?  Do you guys eat like caviar at the movies or good old American Popcorn?  Never mind, I don’t care, and I dare you to run this awesome review.

Shit, I almost forgot: do you know one of the writers on this was Pete Jones from Project Greenlight?  I thought he died or something after Stolen Summer, but he’s got new life now writing awesome comedies looks like.  You should get him to write for your site, too, ‘cause when you try and be funny it usually kinda blows (no offense).